Marriage, Divorce and Loss

Maybe it was the conversation about our broken marriages on Saturday night when a group of us met at Laura’s house for dinner. Maybe it was because I’ve recently been writing about the day of my divorce. Maybe some of the blogs I read made me think of my marriage. Whatever the reason, I got the idea to google my ex husband’s name today and was shocked to see his obituary pop up. He passed away in February at the age of 65.

While we were mourning the passing of Bill’s mom, my ex’s children and grandchildren were doing the same for their loved one. It’s been years since I’ve spoken to him. His name has come up in conversation occasionally when friends of mine ask if I know how he’s doing or what he’s been up to. I can’t tell them much beyond the town he moved to and where he last worked when we split up. His obituary mentioned his dog, I knew he got one after moving into his new home.

He was a good man, father and grandfather. I’ve always wished him well even though our marriage ended. I’m sorry for his children and their children. May he rest in peace.

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43 replies

    • Thank you, Staci. I honestly don’t know what I feel. We were married 10 years, divorced 10 1/2 years. I am so sorry for his kids and grandkids. I have always wished him happiness and I hope he was. I think I’m still processing the news.

      • I can only imagine how you must be feeling. It’s almost like a surreal feeling, isn’t it.
        God bless you as you process this Geralyn.

  1. So sorry for the sad news. 10 years is along time, and like myself, I know how you would only want the best for your ex husband. I hope he is at peace, and his family will find it as well.

  2. Oh Geralyn, what a poignant essay. I’m so sorry for the shock- it will take time to sort out the strange and sad emotions and memories this will bring up. Thank you for sharing and letting us take a little of the burden.

  3. Sorry for your loss doesn’t seem quite appropriate in the circumstances, but a shock nevertheless! Was he older than you? I feel like you are a much younger person than that from your writing, but I don’t have any real reason.

  4. I’m surprised no one sent you a message. Perhaps the time was too long and the connection gone. My ex lives in another state and I wouldn’t know if he died either. I haven’t seen his kids in 20 years. So sorry for your shock.

    • I had the same thought, Kate. We have some acquaintances in common (I met him through a job where I was a temp). Maybe he lost touch with everyone we knew or maybe they didn’t think to let me know. It’s been 10 years since our divorce, probably about 6 or 7 years since we last spoke. Still, very strange feeling to see his death notice pop up.

  5. I’m glad you wrote about this, Geralyn. And I’m sorry no one thought to inform you. Your time together was real and can’t be discounted. My condolences.

  6. This really got to me. In a marriage, no matter how long or short, we really get to KNOW someone. And no matter how long or short since the marriage ended, I imagine that person is in our memories and heart, in some small way, always. Your post made me goggle my ex’s name. Fortunately, he has a really popular name, so I found nothing. I haven’t seen him in years, and I’ve been happily remarried for triple the amount of time I was with my first husband. But still, in some small way, it still matters…

    • As the week went on I felt myself feeling sadder and sadder. After a good cry and a few phone calls to friends and family who knew him I started feeling better by the end of the week. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I thought I would speak with him again some day even though there was no reason too. Very strange feeling knowing that can’t and won’t happen. Yes, it still matters……Thanks for your comment, Pam.

  7. I know the feeling well. I ended my marriage in 2005. My poor ex had a rough few years, with an ill, then dying mother and assorted other things. But we were still good friends, thanks to his generosity, given my abandonment of him. When I got a call from his cousin one day in 2008 telling me he had just died in his sleep, I was utterly undone by it. I still miss him…not being married to him, but being friends with him. He was a really unique man. It feels weird to mourn a former spouse and my partner at the time did not understand at all. (And now that partner is an ex and I have no idea what he’s up to, nor do I much care.) Funny, in a sick way.

    • Linda, I remember when you wrote about your ex’s passing. I, too, was feeling weird about mourning my ex but everyone, including my bf, was very supportive and understanding. Our situations sound very similar, down to the dying mother (his brother also passed away suddenly within the first year we were divorced) but we did not remain friends. I suppose that’s why nobody thought to tell me back in February when he passed. Or, maybe, I wasn’t meant to know until now for some reason.

  8. That would be shocking. Very sorry to hear.

    Death is such a loss, even if we are no longer close to the deceased. We mourn them, and we mourn our lost connection once again. We mourn all the possibilities that no longer exist, and we sometimes feel the weight of being the last one who remembers all that once was.

    Ugh. That came out dark. I rephrase: I hope you feel okay about your sorrow. It is understandable.

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