When mom was visiting from Florida last week I tried explaining to her how my mind’s been working lately. If I were to answer the Facebook question “What’s on your mind?” I would fill up my timeline with a long discourse. Not only can I physically multi-task, load the dishwasher, wash clothes, paint the living room, make a pot of coffee, water the plants, write; while I’m performing these tasks my mind is moving from one idea to the next.
“I’m constantly thinking about changing careers, what I’d want to do, where I’d want to work,” I said to mom. “I could take a pay cut but would need to sell my house. I’d be free to do pretty much anything without the mortgage I have,” I continued.
“I’m trying to sell the FER, I haven’t given up on that, but it’s a slow start,” I continued. Mom listened. “Basically, I’m just always thinking about making a change, figuring out how to work in a field where I can be creative and passionate, carving out more time to do the things I want to do.”
“Do you do that?” I asked.
My mom shook her head, said, “no, I don’t think like that.”
I’ve said these same things to Bill, more than once, have shared the activity level of my mind. His reply: “I know.”
“Are you bored?” he’s asked. I’ve told him I am but not the way he thinks.
I’m not bored with my relationship. I’ve best described myself as restless and the word still applies. But I’m bored and restless in the best sense. A committee lived in my head for years, shaming me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, __________ enough. Those ne’er–do–wells moved out long ago. This feels different, positive, like a path’s being cleared for change. Maybe I’m a brat saying I’m bored, restless when my life is full of hobbies and physical activity, full of friends and family who love and support me. Or maybe it’s because of them that I can be honest and my true self.
So, what’s on my mind? All of the above and more.